“My husband does not need to know how much it costs to get my hair done.”
Men lie. Women lie. Put men and women together and they’re gonna lie to each other, whether on big important things, or in tiny, insignificant matters.
Most white lies come from our inherent need to keep the peace and make life easier for ourselves. If we can head off trouble at the pass by letting a little fib slip, most of us take advantage of the opportunity in the name of courtesy.
We asked women to tell us the white lies wives tell their husbands, and boy did they deliver. Here are our favorites.
1. Our kid put his Rolex in the toilet.
“I never told him our toddler dropped his super-expensive watch in the toilet, which is why it quit working a month later.”
2. I still use the occasional recreational drug.
“He doesn’t know I still do a few party drugs every now and then when I go on weekend getaways with my friends . Nothing crazy, but he’s very anti any illegal substance, so even hitting a joint is an offense that would get me a lecture about drug cartels if he knew.”
3. I sext with my exes.
“I still flirt with a couple of my high school boyfriends on Facebook, which is the saddest clichéd, basic bitch bullsh*t ever but it’s harmless and makes me feel good so f*ck it. I’ve never crossed a line. Well, I’ve sexted with one of them a couple times but that’s it.”
4. I was hungover, not “sick.”
“Well, my ex thought that I was ‘sick’ a lot when I was really just drunk or hungover, which, in retrospect, was an issue all on its own.”
5. I threw away one of his favorite pieces of clothing.
“‘Hon, I have no f*cking idea what happened to that shirt your ex gave you and if you bring it up again, I’m going to go apeshit on you.’ I know exactly where it is. It’s somewhere in the county landfill and has been since I threw it away about a year ago .”
6. My haircuts cost way more than I say.
“My husband does not need to know how much it costs when I get my hair done. Like, I paid for these summer bundles myself, so it’s not like I’m robbing him, but he thinks they were a few hundred… they definitely weren’t. How’s that for white lies wives tell their husbands? “
7. I kiss people when I go out dancing.
“I’ve never done anything more than this, but I’ve made out with a few different people when I’ve gone out dancing before. I don’t count kissing as cheating … and, yes, I’d feel that way if he kissed someone else!”
8. I despise his best friend.
“I f*cking hate his idiot, dudebro best friend for just so, so many reasons — too many to list here. I know better than to complain, though. I always offer to give him a night out with the boys so he won’t bring that idiot to my house.”
9. I’ve slept with women.
“My husband knows I’m, but he doesn’t know that I slept with a few of my female friends before he and I got together. He can barely handle the bi thing, so there’s no way I’m telling him that the same women who come and stay with us for the weekend have also been my partners.”
10. I go have fun during work hours.
“I don’t tell him every time I go out with my friends for brunch, yoga, paddleboarding or movies in the middle of the day while he’s at work. I work from home, so I make my own hours and can pay for myself, but it still feels like I’d be rubbing it in his face that I’m out living it up in the sunshine while he’s stuck in a windowless office.”
11. I hate his mom’s cooking.
“He thinks I’m allergic to a bunch of stuff in his mom’s old recipes so I don’t have to eat it, cook it, or buy the ingredients so he makes it at home. The truth is that she’s a terrible cook with awful taste, which I can tolerate when we’re visiting her, but I’m not eating that at home.”
12. I don’t actually care for sports.
“I pretend to give a about sports so he doesn’t complain about me to his friends when they all get together. I’ll watch SportCenter or glance at his teams’ stats and a couple op-ed articles every week, so I can make casual comments here and there like I know what I’m talking about, and he and his friends think I’m amazing. It’s an illusion, but it gets me serious respect and a little more clout around here.”
13. I fake orgasms.
“I fake a lot of orgasms when I’m tired just because I know he really wants to make me happy, but I’m exhausted and want to wrap it up. I’m afraid if I say, ‘Not tonight’ too much, he’ll stop offering.”
14. I tell him he’s a good cook.
“His cooking is fine. It’s just fine. It’s not even good. Just fine. But I’m never ungrateful that he did the work of making me a meal, so I always say it’s the best sh*t I ever put in my face. Desperation makes lunatics of us all.”
15. I didn’t get into school for a different reason.